bakit

Oo na, alam kong masamang mainggit sa kapwa. Pero hindi naman siguro masamang magtanong at magtaka di ba?

Bakit madali ang buhay para sa iba?
Bakit hindi sila umiiyak?
Bakit lahat ng bagay umaayon sa gusto nila?
Bakit hindi sila nahihirapang makuha yung mga gusto nila?
Bakit ganun? Bakit ganito?

Putek! Bakit ba kasi ganito ang buhay ko?
Parang parati na lang magulo...Laging may kakambal na pighati.
Laging may sablay. Hindi pwedeng steady lang.

Minsan tuloy naiisip ko, siguro hindi ako peyborit ni Lord.
Kasi naman sa bawat saya na nararanasan ko, laging triple ang kapalit na lungkot.
Mabait naman ako eh. Wala naman akong inaagrabyadong tao, hayop o bagay.

Wala naman siguro akong naapakang nuno sa punso nung bata pa ko, noh?..Ü.

Gusto ko lang naman maging masaya. Yun lang.
Mahirap ba yun?

my very first here...

It’s been a while since my last entry with my other blogsite (katmenace.multiply.com) And I mean real entry..not repost or anything. And I kind of miss it. I decided to create a blogsite here so that I could post whatever I feel like posting. Without inhibitions, without hesitations. Without the fear that my officemates or friends might read it. Writing or blogging has always been my therapy. When I’m extremely sad, I blog. If I’m super happy, I blog. This is my domain. This is where I could freely express myself. If blogs or journals were not invented, I might have committed suicide long time ago. I can always keep my feelings to myself and not show it to everybody but never can I keep myself from pouring it into blogsites or journals . I still keep a journal. Yeah! I know it sounds too high school. But I still do. I can say that it’s my most priced possession ever. And you wouldn’t believe that I am on my journal number 4 already. I keep track of everything that’s happening with me, although most of my stories are just the same.

So, what’s new? I’m still me. The drama princess. The pessimist me.
And I am still heavily sedated with issues. But this time, it all came back to me. It’s no longer just me who could tell. I am still into him. And my friends can see that. Wtf! All this time, I tried to hide it but it looks like that that feeling knows how to get across to anyone. Anyone, except him. Well, looks like he's the only one who hasn’t found out yet! Darn! I still feel for him. I'm still head over heels in love. And I am not admitting it to him. Not now. Not ever.

As if I really care. There's a lot of things going on with me right now that I'd rather set it aside. I’m burdened by so much that I can’t even walk straight, not literally of course. I hate to lose my composure, but it’s really hard for me to be strong. It’s hard to fake a smile and act as if nothing’s wrong.

Everything's wrong.
I'm still fighting my way through all of these. I am drowning with problems and responsibilities that I just wanna disappear for a moment. I wanna get back the life that I have always wish I had.

I know I deserve better. Damn! I wish I will be better..in time...